Our slow, but steady crawl toward herd immunity is opening up our desire to reconnect with each other in ALL the ways. For those who were wary about dating & physical contact during the past 14 months, this is tantamount to coming out of a long hibernation.
The hunger is real, but so is the need to maintain safety.
When it comes to practicing “safe” connection, I have encountered an interesting paradox in my personal & professional interactions. Those who were open to having the Covid status talk before socially engaging were resistant to doing so when it came to STD status. Conversely, people who were able to have the STD talk did not feel comfortable asking others about their Covid status.
The Salt-N-Pepa track “Let’s Talk About Sex” (1990) made talking about sex, including one’s STD status, a part of foreplay. It was also a necessary dialogue at that time given the HIV/AIDS global epidemic. The Covid-19 pandemic promoted a similar dialogue assessing one’s “pod” & activities before deciding whether or not the person was “safe” company. Having these conversations can be difficult as many people worry about offending others or being judged themselves for their choices. The fact is, we cannot control how others think or react. What we CAN control is HOW we communicate our needs & concerns. Empathy, respect, and appropriate assertiveness will serve you many times over in crafting your social foreplay approach.
“What they don’t know can’t hurt them.”
Keeping people on a need to know basis regarding what activities or events they have attended has been a common theme amongst patients. Often what gets disclosed has been minimized or described with “qualifiers” that gives the other person the impression that safety was maintained the entire time. Details such as eating out of other people’s plates, sharing drinks, kissing a random person at a house party, sharing a hotel room with non-family members, or standing body to body at an outdoor bar were omitted to avoid any judgment or social rejection. Unfortunately, what people’s family members, colleagues, & friends didn’t know DID prove to be hurtful. Every one of these aforementioned examples relates to cases of positive Covid exposure reported to me. In exploring their regret in session, many patients expressed that they wished they had just been honest and dealt with the “judgy” commentary in the moment instead of avoiding it. They realized that the people in their lives felt betrayed by their lack of regard for their well-being. The “rupture & repair” process for these kinds of breaches of trust take time, consistency, & repetition of changed behavior. A good place to start is with the “do over” conversation:
“This is what I wish I would have said to you if I could go back to that moment.”
No matter what the other person’s emotional reaction, there is meaning & power in making this statement as it conveys accountability & motivation for change. The “commitment” statement is also important:
“Your life, safety, existence, etc. in my life is so important to me, that I am making a promise to you and to myself to be honest moving forward.”
The keys words here are YOU and ME. And in the spirit of talking about you and me…
“It didn’t come up, so…”
I recall one patient’s debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19 & the extreme measures she took on a daily basis to protect herself including wearing two sets of gloves on her hands, wiping down her body with alcohol multiple times a day, & covering her eyes with laboratory goggles when outside of her home. When it came to sex; however, her default response for not using protection was that it didn’t come up in their “pregame” conversation. In the spirit of keeping things real, I told her that no one is ever going to bring it up unless you do. As we explored the obstacles to initiating this conversation, it became clear that she held some distorted beliefs regarding the actual threat level of STD’s & sense of personal responsibility for her actions. She believed that Covid was the more dangerous disease to worry about without appreciating that close intimate contact sans barriers of any kind with a lover put her at risk for many kinds of dangerous viruses including coronavirus. She rationalized that she wasn’t as much of a risk to her lover as he was to her because male genitals are “dirtier.” Our reality testing of this belief took her down a worm hole of biology & physiology in order to reach a place of understanding that membranes & fluid exchange are not impacted by whether you showered & douched that morning.
Initiating this dialogue can be made easier by using some of these talking prompts. The more playful in your approach, the less likely the other person will be “turned off” by it; however, let me make this clear – if someone does not want to have sex with you because you asked for them to use protection, they are not SAFE regardless of what their STD status may be. The lack of respect for your body & your expressed needs makes them unworthy. Your body is yours to give and should be done on YOUR terms. That being said, here are some flirty, but firm ways to start that dialogue:
“I want to enjoy every inch of you, but there are a few things I need to know first.”
“If you don’t have condoms, I do. This brand feels amazing. Wait until you try it!”
“It’s been ages since I did this. When was your last time?”
“My pandemic was dry as F*&k, but I still got tested for peace of mind. What about you?”
The answers to all of the above prompts will determine how the rest of your talk goes. The thing about mutually respecting our bodies is that it creates a pro-safety atmosphere without ruffling anyone’s feathers. No one is accusing the other of being dangerous or dirty. It’s unlikely that your talk will go south if it’s framed in the context of respect. I respect you enough to disclose these things about me. I respect myself enough to let you know what I like & need from this exchange. We respect each other enough to have this talk before we unleash our pent up desire for one another.
Respect is SEXY. Respect is SAFE!
Wellness Blog For Mind and Body 