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Raising that EQ – Evaluating your emotional intelligence

The Oxford English dictionary defines emotional intelligence (EQ) as “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”

The above also sounds a lot like a goal of therapy – being able to put our feelings into words and communicate them to people in our lives in a direct, fair, and caring way, so that we can feel better about ourselves and our relationships. EQ treatment plans for everyone!

Dawson, you need some therapy in your life.

Inc.com’s Justin Bariso published an article in 2018 describing what qualities make up emotional intelligence based on research for his book, “EQ Applied.” Unlike our IQ, emotional intelligence is not fixed or stable throughout our lives. We all have the ability to raise our EQ through cultivating the qualities Bariso describes in his article. What I found interesting after reading his list was that even the most self-aware of us do not have all 13 qualities in spades. In fact, if all we had were the first three we would still be pretty decent humans.

These first three qualities of emotional intelligence from Bariso’s list are the following:

  1. You think about feelings
  2. You pause
  3. You strive to control your thoughts

All three are also objectives of Cognitive Restructuring, a cognitive behavioral skill that helps us manage our emotions by monitoring the automatic thoughts that come into our minds in a given situation or context where they are triggered. The “pause” aspect would be where the therapeutic work takes place. You take the time to examine the thoughts that come up and their associated emotions in order to understand the where, what, how, and why. They are the building blocks of self-awareness. And now for the breakdown.

Where did these thoughts and messages originally come from? I call automatic thoughts “the tape recorder” because oftentimes these thoughts are messages we recorded about ourselves in childhood based on our parents’ and/or important people’s feedback. These messages were shaped in the context of early experiences and saved in our emotional archives. The “play” button goes off when present day experiences trigger those long recorded messages.

What are these thoughts saying about yourself and others? What are the emotions attached to these messages? Identifying the core beliefs underlying the thoughts and the emotions that come up pave the way for understanding how they developed and why they were useful in a particular time in your life. The belief that you’re only valuable if you take care of others may have been a way for a child to survive a neglectful upbringing, but in adulthood, that belief with all its associated thoughts and emotions could lead to codependent relationships, depression, and low self-esteem. One of the hardest aspects of cognitive restructuring is challenging these thoughts and messages. The fact that we call them “automatic” thoughts says it all – they are deeply rooted and habitual patterns of thinking that, like any habit, need time and work to break. The amazing thing is that our brains are capable of doing this with enough repetition and practice.

With a good base of self-awareness, we can learn how to communicate both positive and negative feelings in a healthy and constructive way to other people. This skill also takes time and work to develop because much like our automatic thoughts and emotional triggers, our patterns of relating to others are also habitual. It’s on a whole other level when the people we are relating to remind us of our parents in some way. For this reason, these patterns are sometimes referred to as “repetitions” because they repeat dysfunctional communications formed in early life with our caregivers. A good portion of Bariso’s list (numbers 4-9 are listed below) encompass the above, but with some clarifications:

  1. You benefit from criticism – Bariso refers to this as taking in the negative feedback and asking yourself how you can improve, but I feel there is a difference between constructive criticism and straight up criticism. When it’s the former, taking it in for the purpose of improving yourself makes sense. However, when it’s the latter, I think it’s more about what you can learn from the experience about yourself and the other person giving that feedback. I worked with a client whose character was very warm, generous, and considerate. When her sister in law flipped out on her for not attending her baby shower (the client had a work obligation that was mandatory) she began to call herself inconsiderate. We took the time to examine the “evidence” for her sister-in-law’s criticism and came to realize that we needed to work on her ability to maintain healthy boundaries when dealing with her super enmeshed family; not to make her more considerate.
  2. You show authenticity – what Bariso noted as “say what you mean, mean what you say.” Stand by your values.
  3. You demonstrate empathy
  4. You praise others
  5. You give helpful feedback – the feedback that you give to other people to help them be their “best” self. The ability to give and receive criticism has its opposite – the ability to give and receive praise. For many of us, it is hard to accept praise and/or complimentary statements. That’s also something worth unpacking in therapy because it feeds into our self-esteem and self-concept.
  6. You apologize – Bariso notes that apologizing doesn’t always mean you’re wrong. When you KNOW this, you can tackle conflict resolution like an EQ-ed boss. It’s a tough one to master and one that I struggle with at times depending on the conflict and the person involved. It requires overriding your ego and considering someone else’s feelings in addition to your own. The more emotionally invested I am, the harder it is to form the words of the apology without sounding defensive or blaming. One of the best forms of apology in situations where you may be in the right is saying, “I am sorry if what I said/did made you feel…” followed up with reflecting whatever it is they respond with such as, “you felt like I rejected you” or “you felt that it was fucked up.” As the situation de-escalates (although sometimes it may not, which makes the apology and resolution process super challenging), you can introduce resolution in a collaborative way such as “how can we prevent this from happening again,” “what can we do to work through this,” or “how can I help us overcome this.”

Being able to apologize is tied to the ability to forgive and move on (#10 on Bariso’s list noted as “forgive and forget”) which is another difficult thing to master. This is part of the therapeutic process of rupture and repair. The rupture is in the conflict – actions and/or words that caused pain and a rift between two people. The repair is in how you resolve and move on from what happened. An important thing to ask yourself in this process is what holding on to all that emotion is actually doing for you. What is useful about not forgiving or not forgetting? What’s holding you back from moving on?

Bariso’s 11th and 12th examples are also humanistic core values – honoring your commitments to self and other (i.e. keeping your word) and helping other people. His 13th trait is the ability to protect yourself from “emotional sabotage” which he expands upon in another article. Essentially this last trait is made possible by cultivating all the other ones on the list. The higher your emotional intelligence, the less likely others will be able to derail you even if they are master manipulators. Raising your EQ not only benefits your sense of self and your relationships, but also can have a ripple effect on the environment around you. Imagine if everyone was working to raise their EQ on a daily basis. Imagine if we evaluated EQ as an important, even non-negotiable characteristic for potential partnerships and friendships. Imagine what a whole bunch of self-aware people could accomplish if they all came together.

Gasp!

Sit with that and let your mind be blown a little too.

 

 

 

SOURCES:

https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/emotional_intelligence

https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/13-things-emotionally-intelligent-people-do.html

Fitness - Inside and Out, Uncategorized

The Reset

The term “self-care” has been getting a bad rap ever since it became a buzz word. It has gotten to the point where saying that you’re taking a “mental health day” or “technology fast” is met with ironic glares and eye rolls. Can we stop the shade for a moment and think about how language is the key factor here? What does self care mean to you? Get to the heart of the need and call it by its name. For me, self-care is a reset. This resonated with a number of people in my personal and professional life.

We all need a reset.

The world needs a collective reset.

But I digress…

(deep exhale)

I took my reset in the form of a month away in the land of my ancestors. The Mediterranean sun, salt, and siestas reset my overwrought nervous system within two weeks of being there. The home cooked cuisine consisting of sun ripened vegetables and fruits, dark breads, soft aged cheeses, and freshly caught seafood reset my overactive gut; the place where stress tends to set up shop in my body. I returned to the city three days ago, but not to the grind. I find myself being fiercely protective of my healing energy and I will tell you why.

Like many New Yorkers, I am a hustler running to get as much done in a day to keep my head above the water line and my eye on the prize. This isn’t necessarily earning me any merit badges. This last year was especially challenging given that between my work, full time graduate study, and clinical internship I left myself only one day in a week to take care of ME. Just ONE day. No wonder my guts were contorting inside of me along with my mood. A good friend and fellow therapist gifted me a deck of daily “self care” cards. Everyday I would shuffle and pull a card out. Some days I was a BOSS about doing what the card instructed. Other days, I would look at the card and think impossible. I am lucky that my one month sabbatical actually was as curative as it ended up being. On the flight back home, I thought about how I was going to maintain this reset in an environment full of triggers. Here’s the list I came up with, which I am sharing with you all. I may not be able to control the environment around me, but I can control the one inside of myself.

One of the three S’s – the sea cleanses everything!

(1) Go be in nature – walk along the boardwalk and inhale the sea air, walk barefoot on the sand or grass covered earth to literally ground my energy, lean my body against the trunk of a large tree and release the day into its embrace, or take a long walk across uneven terrain and appreciate how my body moves to keep me balanced.

(2) Cook the foods of my ancestry – recreate the meals that healed my gut and renewed my spirit. Channel giagia’s culinary muse and cook for myself like she would have done for us kids.

From surf to plate…grilled cuttle fish with extra virgin olive oil, lemon, and vegetables from the owner’s garden.

(3) Speak my language – hearing and speaking Greek activates different parts of my brain and psyche. My mother tongue is sometimes more effective at expressing intense thoughts and feelings. Allow myself to talk shit if that’s what comes up…nothing is as satisfying as cursing something or someone out in Greek. Greek curses are EPIC and I always laugh afterwards when I think about the direct English translation.

(4) Disconnect – unplugging from other people’s life dramas both in vivo and tech is VITAL. I had limited access to a stable wifi signal while I was away, so I couldn’t really peruse anyone’s content or engage with them for an extended period of time. This was AMAZING. I used the precious little time to interact with only select people and using minimal communication, which is a sharp contrast to the long responses I normally give. I want to continue this. Less is so much more and my contact boundary must shift to reflect that. Embrace the real life company of loved ones and those who reciprocate energy ONLY. Ondos! (Greek for “indeed.”)

 

Uncategorized

A Boundary Building Crib Sheet

YES and NO are two very powerful words. They are the gatekeepers that maintain the boundary of self and other. We need boundaries to protect ourselves from things that don’t serve our well-being; however, they also need to be flexible enough to filter in the good stuff like life experiences and connections. Many of us have great difficulty building and maintaining healthy boundaries especially in situations and with people we are emotionally invested in. This is because our emotions sometimes mess with the circuitry of our rational higher brain when they interface with each other in our decision making. Finding that middle ground between masochism (YES-ing to death) and isolation (building a wall of NO) is possible, but it takes practice. I’ve created this crib sheet to help guide the process and deal with some of the challenges that come up along the way.

(1) EMOTIONAL ASSESSMENT

It’s important to really examine the emotions that come up for us when setting limits and boundaries. I often ask clients (and myself) to reflect on how they feel when they say either YES or NO. After getting a general sense of what that brings up for them emotionally, we start to examine the feelings triggered in different situations and settings where YES and NO have been exercised. This self-reflection is key in helping us to understand and eventually reframe the responses of others.

Perhaps your friend’s inability to handle your NO is about their own fear of rejection, but their passive aggressive response to you may trigger a stream of intrusive negative thinking that has you fearing you will lose this relationship if you don’t say YES. This cycle only maintains and perpetuates some pretty shitty self-esteem and relationship dynamics.

(2) IMAGINING THE OPPOSITE

What would life be like if you didn’t always say YES? How would it feel if you could just say NO without an explanation? What would change for you? These are just some of the prompts to get you thinking about the real costs and benefits of boundary building. Imagining the opposite is kind of mind blowing. One of my clients sat with the word that came up for her (i.e. freedom) when imagining what life would be like is she didn’t say YES all the time. That imagined life prioritized her own needs and took the burdens of others off her chest. It sparked a series of small changes in behavior that prepared her to let go of a very toxic relationship.

(3) COMMUNICATING OUR BOUNDARIES

This should not be confused with explaining our boundaries. People respond best to open and direct communication that is compassionate. Congruent communication is a skill that helps people in relationships understand and express each other’s needs without defensiveness. Adapting this style of communication to express our need for boundaries will help reduce the blow-back from people in our lives not used to us having them.

Some great examples are the following:

“I know I haven’t always been good at letting you know how I feel and as awesome as you are, I know you’re not psychic. This is why I want to talk to you about a few things.”

“You are very important to me and it means a lot that I can be this honest with you about my needs.”

My personal favorite and one that I find is absolutely necessary when you work in a care-taking and/or helping profession is the following:

“I want to be there for you, but there are times when I am too overwhelmed with my own stuff and life. The only way I can be present for the people I care about is if I am taking care of myself first. This is when I have to say no to certain things.”

(Insert the flock of doves emanating from the heavens)

People may still react to your compassionate dialogue; however, rest assured that their reaction tells you more about whether they are meant to remain in your life or not. A healthy relationship is one that is reciprocal and interdependent. If they truly care about you, they will support your needs even if it takes them a little time to process and understand them. For those that don’t get it, keep reading to (5) TAKE A TIME OUT FROM THE TOXIC.

(4) A ‘NO EXPLANATIONS’ APPROACH

You don’t have to justify your boundaries further than the compassionate communication outlined above. Explanations are often about anticipating and/or managing other people’s emotions. If you find yourself worrying that you might disappoint an important figure in your life by saying NO, you may needlessly over explain your boundary. You may feel the need to exaggerate your explanations to the point of lying to avoid being interrogated about your boundary. Fighting this urge is hard work and success varies depending on the situation and/or relationship.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I only recently got good at the ‘no explanations’ approach. Below is one of my success scenarios.

My then boyfriend asked me to come hang out with his friends while they watched the UFC fights on PPV. There were a number of reasons why I didn’t feel like going, but rather than list them all, I chose to say, “No babe. I’m good. You have fun with the boys.” He immediately asked me what I was going to do on a Saturday night alone. His assumption that I couldn’t possibly have any other plans or things to do was enough to trigger some irritation, but I managed not to react. I smiled and told him, “I’ll be fine. You enjoy the fights.” My lack of explanation started to trigger some mind reading from his end. “You probably want to go out to some club, don’t you? Yeah, I know what you girls do. That’s cool. You go let some bro feel up on you instead of hanging out with your man.” At this point, I wanted to punch him in the face and/or leave the room, but I maintained my calm and restated my original response with a little “sass” to reframe his mind-reading. “I’m going to miss you too baby. You have fun tonight.” I rubbed up on him like an exaggerated club dancer to drive home how ridiculous he was being. He laughed. I laughed. All was good and no more questions were asked.

If only they all worked out this way. What I will say about all the not so successful attempts is that they highlighted my triggers and vulnerabilities. Understanding where and why I got derailed helped me to revise my approach in order to react differently next time. I have several ‘no explanation’ tactics at the ready for interactions with my parents because I know from many a trial and error how my frustration and anger gets the best of me. The worst part of those exchanges was knowing I had gone off the rails, but not being able to bring myself back. When I would hear “relax, it was just a question” I knew I had failed. Prepare your ‘no explanation’ strategies before challenging situations to increase your success and reduce distress (rhyming intentional).

(5) TAKE A TIME OUT FROM THE TOXIC

If you find that your boundaries are being tested over and over again with certain individuals despite all your congruent compassionate communication and ‘no explanations’ attempts, give yourself permission to take distance. If you can’t do that for yourself, then I give you permission to take distance. You don’t have to respond to their texts, DM’s, or any attempts at contact immediately or at all. You can choose the terms by which you will engage with them and interact accordingly. They will almost definitely feel a certain kind of way about your distance, but don’t let their reactions make you feel that you’re “ghosting” them. If your relationship is one-sided and co-dependent, it is not healthy. Your silence is self-care. And speaking of self-care…

(6) REWARD YOUR BOUNDARIES

Setting boundaries that put your needs first is an act of self-love. For those of us who have trouble saying NO to others, work with the YES and recognize that boundaries can be an act of saying YES to yourself. For people with rigid boundaries, look at the ability to say YES as being in control of the gate between yourself and others. You get to choose what and who you let it. Say YES only to what feels good to your being; nothing else gets through the gate.

As you build healthy boundaries, people who do not serve you will start to exit your life. Those exits may be dramatic and may hurt for a period of time; however, you will start to be surrounded by people who not only support your boundaries, but will also have boundaries of their own. You will get to experience what it feels like for someone to communicate a boundary with you, and learn to appreciate their openness and honesty. If we all communicated our needs directly and with compassion to each other, we probably wouldn’t even need to call boundaries boundaries. They would become more like lines of contact connecting individuals to each other in a sort of collective relationship tapestry. We aren’t there yet, but it’s worth imagining.

 

Fitness - Inside and Out, Uncategorized

The Hooks

“Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the care-taking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty that, I, and others, deserve.

–Melody Beattie (The Language of Letting Go, 1990)

 

Many empathetic people are drawn to the healing professions because of our natural tendency to care for others. We spend our days holding space for their well being and laying hands on their aches and pains. Our minds tune in to their emotional states and for many, the release of negative emotions accompanies the physical work we are engaged in with them. At the end of the day, we are covered in an energetic film of their stuff. Long ago in the early days of my program, an instructor told us of the importance of creating an energetic boundary between ourselves and our patients or clients. He called it a cloud – nothing could penetrate it, so whatever came off of them during a session would stay locked in the cloud. He was honest in saying this would be easier said than done. Even today, at almost 8 years into my massage therapy practice, I still have moments where I’m not sure if what I’m feeling belongs to me or to the clients I saw that day.  Guess my cloud isn’t always on point.

What muddies the energetic waters even more is the expectation in our personal lives to be the bearers of the emotional burdens of others. How much space can you hold when you’re already at a deficit? When do you get to hold it for yourself? If you find that you’re sacrificing your own well-being for the sake of “showing up” for the people in your life, you have to do a serious self-inventory. There’s no faster way to burnout than being hooked from every angle. Many of these people are family, lovers, close friends and even colleagues. Some hook consciously and deliberately; others aren’t even aware of this automatic need to reach out to you to shoulder their load. Either way, when the hooks are cast, we always seem to bite.

                          A hook???? Of course, I’ll bite!                                     

Hooks come in many forms. They can be, as Beattie described, a look, a sigh, a word or an action that triggers us to feel responsible for helping them. With that responsibility comes the behavior that isn’t in our best interest. Beattie refers to it as codependency. Another way to think about it is when you care more about their issues than they do and do the work for them, no one wins. They “depend” on you, but offer nothing in return. In their minds eye, you are the one that will predictably show up and take on their troubles, so they won’t have to. Since when did you become  emotional waste management?

The best way to avoid getting hooked is to demand, as the quote states, honest and direct communication of one’s wants and needs. If you’re too tired to listen, say that you’re too tired to listen. Say exactly what you feel. If a loved one walks into a room, sighs deeply, then slumps into a chair, acknowledge it with your eyes, but not with words. They want you to ask them what is wrong. They want you to offer help. Let them ask for it directly. Then, you can check in with yourself and empathically decide whether you can do it or not.

Saying no with love is better than saying yes with guilt.

The passive aggressive hook is one of the worst guilt provoking mechanisms out there. It also has the power to conjure up feelings of anger, helplessness, shame, and inadequacy to name a few. It’s hard not to bite on it, but it can be done. Let’s say that loved one, after slumping into their chair, turns to you and says, “You know, I had a really bad day today, but you probably don’t care. (pause) Nevermind.”

Your response?

“Ok.”

To an empath, this may feel so counter intuitive, because we do care. We care A LOT. However, trust that this simple answer is preventing you from participating in a guessing game that will inevitably lead to the tidal wave of feelings described above. They may continue to bait you, especially if they cannot tell you directly what is wrong with them. Their attempts might end up conjuring up those feelings of guilt, shame, etc. for you anyway. Trust that they know you care, which is why they are doing this manipulative hooking.

Your response?

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

Do not ask, but calmly command them to tell you. They may not answer you, but the boundary has been drawn. If they want access to your care, they will have to be clear about what is going on with them and what they need from you. This involves some level of pause and mental regroup. For the ones who do it unconsciously, it sort of turns off the autopilot and gives them a chance to think about why they are baiting you. If the issue is small or comes from a place of uncertainty rather than a true need for help, it will give them the space to reflect and the opportunity to do their own waste management. For the ones that do it deliberately, it provides a clear boundary – this hooking will not work anymore.

I don’t think I will ever be able to step out of the care taking role, nor do I want to, but my personal and professional lives could benefit from a little boundary building. Just last night, I was tested with a massive bait from a former patient. My body reacted with all the feelings of a nervous system peaked for attack with appropriate text responses at the ready. I did not use them. I chose not to respond. It was extremely hard to do that, but I was able to lay down that boundary even if the aftermath cost me some sleep.

My care for you is not limitless. It is not at the expense of my own well-being. Just as you demand I hold space for your troubles, I must make the same demand of myself. And in the totem pole of priorities, I am always at the top. I will win out every time. It’s the only way I will be of any good to myself and others.”

–me (2018)