Redefining unconditional love

When most of us think of unconditional love, we think of love without conditions or limitations (e.g. I love you, no matter what!!) Humanistic psychology adds to this definition by associating it with true altruism – an act of sacrifice, helping or sharing purely for the benefit of the other, not the self. The best example given of this kind of love is that which parents have for their children. Their love is consistent no matter what the child does or doesn’t do. They are willing to throw themselves head on into danger or plunge themselves into debt to protect and provide for their offspring. When it comes to our other relationships in life, this absolute definition is not so easy to apply. Certain situations and circumstances require us to make adjustments to the way we love and as a result, it may appear that our love is conditional. However, I would argue we are confusing consistent with conditional.

Our relationships help us to develop both psychologically and socially. Our interactions with friends, lovers, playmates, teachers, bosses and so on all play a part in allowing us to learn the lessons necessary to understand who we are. Part of our personal development involves understanding how to love those closest to us even when they do things that are hurtful or that we don’t agree with. For all the flack that judgement gets, sometimes we do have to call out the truth when it’s staring at our loved one in the face and they refuse to see it. We also have to do this with ourselves or be willing to hear it from others. Unconditional love is not about allowing your face to be clawed off, having your psyche attacked or attacking others and expecting them to “take it” or “get over it”. It’s about loving that person enough to tell them the truth and be able to walk away if their behavior or reaction is toxic.

There is no worse break up, in my opinion, then the fallout of a close friendship. Even when faced with a verbal attack or some other form of relational aggression, you can still love the person behind all the abuse, even when distancing yourself from the abuse itself. This is the misconception that most people have about unconditional love. They see the distance taken as an example of the conditional nature of your love; that you are abandoning, rejecting or (there’s that word again) judging the person. However, going back to the psychological definition, true unconditional love involves sacrifice and actions done for the benefit of another person, not yourself. Does it benefit that friend for you to accept their abuse? Does it benefit that friend to keep silent about how they are hurting themselves and others? Even worse, does it benefit that friend to allow their behavior to continue unchecked, so that it affects other areas of their life? No. I would argue that calling out the behavior, even if it means sacrificing the friendship, is the most unconditional act of love there is.

Love is a powerful motivator and mediator in life. Instead of love without conditions, I would redefine it as altruistic love without limitations. Things happen. Life happens. Sometimes the most solid person in our lives becomes the most unstable. Don’t limit your heart. Keep the love you have for them outside of the instability in there. It bridges the distance you’ve taken and it’s palpable…

YELP me

Def: To utter a short, sharp bark or cry (i.e. to review)

Addendum/Update 10/18/12   It was reported on news-radio this morning that YELP is going to crack down on companies creating fake reviews to market themselves. There will be a “CONSUMER AWARENESS” label on the profiles of the businesses that have done that to let potential clients/patrons that they are guilty of this offense.

Never underestimate the power of a review.

Positive or negative, someone’s assessment of you can and will have an impact on how other people perceive you. The internet is an infinite source of information, posted by all walks of life and intelligence. For this reason, I always take what I read with a grain of salt because I understand that not everything that is published on the world wide web is absolute, unbiased TRUTH. In the field of social psychology, attitudes are an important factor in the evaluation of a particular thing. Our attitudes influence our beliefs and often, our behavior. We form our attitudes in a variety of ways. Personal experience, observation of others’ experiences, social expectations and societal codes of conduct all help to shape attitudes. Another important factor is conditioning, a process of behavioral modification where a person is made to associate a desired behavior with a totally unrelated stimulus. Example: Any commercial ad that shows a subject in an idealized state resulting from the shampoo they used, the drink they are holding or the perfume they are wearing, etc. This is classical conditioning at work and most of us are not conscious to the fact that the ads have worked in this way. Operant conditioning is a little more obvious. A behavior is associated with either a reward or a punishment. The reward, as in getting a bonus for working longer hours, increases a behavior while the punishment, like being asked to leave a restaurant to smoke your cigarette, is said to decrease the behavior.

Keeping in mind that other people’s experiences can form attitudes and thus, influence belief and behavior, you can understand how a review functions on a larger scale. As soon as it is published people will read it, comment on it, re-post or email it to their sites and contacts, tell their friends via social networking sites, “like” and “favorite” until the information has taken on another life altogether. One extremely popular and useful site for reviews is a place known as YELP, where ANYONE can review just about ANYTHING – from spas , to restaurants, schools and even the Department of Motor Vehicles. All you need is an email address to make or break someone’s career. Many businesses have started to realize just how much of an affect these reviews are having on their sales. As a result, some have started providing incentives for positive client reviews and discounts or complimentary services for negative ones. I have seen firsthand how a devastatingly negative review of a colleague led to the comping of the treatment provided and a gift card to use towards a future purchase down the line. Weeks later the same client wrote a second review thanking the establishment for taking such good care of the situation and noting that they would be back with friends soon. In this way, the business did not lose face or future client $$; however the downside is that my colleague’s professional reputation was negatively affected. Any future clientele that come across this review could potentially choose not to book their appointment with this therapist for fear of the experience happening to them. Case in point, I received a booking request recently based on the review another client of mine had posted, singing my praises. This new client’s positive attitude was influenced by another person’s experience of my skills and work.

Here are my thoughts: Before you rush to express your positive or negative experience via the internet, take a minute to assess the gravity of your words. If something truly feels relevant enough to be shared in this manner, I absolutely agree on posting the information. After all, I too YELP; however we all have to possess some level of accountability. For instance, if I am having a bad day and the barista behind the counter at the coffee shop messes up my drink order, that doesn’t mean it was done on purpose or that he/she is an idiot. Also, if I am just getting over a cold, the massage I am receiving may actually make me feel worse the next day. That isn’t the therapists fault; I should have said something. And speaking of sharing important information, an esthetician had a client who never wrote on her intake form that she had a heat sensitivity a.k.a allergy. After the wax treatment, the client claimed that the wax had scalded her. The esthetician, obviously concerned, addressed the client who then admitted her allergy. After pointing out that she never mentioned this to her before or during the treatment, the client proclaimed, “Well, it’s not like you asked me?” Again, accountability applies here. Very few people are truly “psychic” so if you know you have a problem, say something. If you sense a little attitude in what I am saying, perhaps it will influence you to be a little more scrupulous when sharing your TRUTH with others.