Uncategorized

Foresight can be 2020

2020

A new year (and decade) is upon us, but a concerning statement is making the rounds on social media feeds.

“New Year, same me.”

Let’s sit with that for a minute.

This statement gave me pause because of the way it could impact a person’s motivation to change. The mental conflict that occurs as a result of beliefs being contradicted by “new” information is a concept known as cognitive dissonance. People deal with that conflict in a number of ways, most of which are defensive. The first part of the “New Year, same me” statement speaks to change – it’s a new year and newness in of itself is a changed state. The second part of this statement could be read as a defensive response to change.

Here’s the breakdown.

Same me…

They say hindsight is 2020. Looking back on the experiences of 2019, what would you like to carry over into this new year? What are the qualities, relationships, and situations that you feel will continue to serve you? Those are the things that should comprise your “same me” list. The descriptions underlying the “same me” posts that I read were self-depreciating, and not in that self aware kind of way that precedes a New Year’s resolution (disclaimer – I am not a fan of resolutions – see my 2019 post on Intention Setting.)

The writers of these posts listed the “bad” choices they made during 2019 with the disclaimer “this is how I am.” Their followers responded with “likes” and comments that ranged from supportive to enabling. Here’s where it gets heavy and ties back to cognitive dissonance. That disclaimer is a powerful communication meant to rationalize the writers’ need to maintain their sameness. This is a mental state that feels safer and less threatening than change. Their “bad” choices become their identity. They are unmotivated to change “how” they are and seek validation to maintain their internal status quo through the likes and responses they get. Anything that challenges that state of sameness is met with a drama tsunami of comments from both the poster and a number of their followers. It made me wonder what would happen if no one validated their defense. How would they respond if no one liked or commented on their post? What would all that silence cause them to feel or think about themselves, the world, and their future?

 

New year…

During some of the last sessions of the year with my therapy clients, we reflected on the highlights and low-lights of 2019. Breaking patterns of behavior and thinking that do not serve growth and well-being takes time; however, the little nuggets of insight and small changes we highlighted were proof enough that my clients weren’t entering 2020 the same way they entered 2019. Essentially they were not “the same me.”

My hope for all the “New Year, same me” people is that they don’t let that statement become a self-fulfilling prophecy. All of us are capable of change, both for better and for worse. Making the decision to start therapy and the process of change happens only when you feel ready and motivated to invest the time. Let your foresight also be 2020.

 

 

Integrative Medicine, Massage Techniques Explained, Uncategorized

The Shadowy Side to Energy Work

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It has always been difficult for me to reconcile how people with flawed characters can effectively do “God’s” work. Energy work from the shadows seems counter intuitive and a bit disarming to me.

I’ve done a lot of internal work in the past year to let go of my idealism when it comes to people’s intentions. My intuition has always hinted that something might be off, but I convince myself that all people who do energy work are truly “good,” come from God, and are of their word. This is where the “free will” aspect described in so many religious texts comes into play. We may be endowed with special gifts that can heal others; however, what we do with ourselves and those gifts is completely governed by our own free will. There’s a huge part of me that wants some kind of divine intervention to “out” all of this behavior to protect myself and others, but that doesn’t happen. As we become a little wiser about the intent behind the behavior or separate the mean girl/guy/person from the healer, we can understand that our humanity is a dichotomy. We all have a shadow side to balance the light. One may work with the light, but live their life within that shadow. One may use the light for both the greater good and the shadow side’s desire for ego feeding – fame, notoriety or control over a market or population. To understand human nature allows for the reconciliation of this dichotomy in the healing and energetic professions. These aren’t deities on earth. These are human beings, with all kinds of contradictory aspects to their character. If you can appreciate the work and arrest it from the flawed human, it will be received better in your being. We are all a piece of the collective energy that some call God, the universe, or the vortex. That’s what we can work with. Let the shadow stuff stay in the shadows.

c91b9edba7e6ad16c8cfd21d26ef4571And now for my soap box moment…

There is a hypocrisy in the judgment laden messages from some energy workers to anyone that doesn’t echo their Kool-Aid. If they aren’t being agreed with or validated, they will engage in what amounts to social bullying – publicly blocking, unfollowing, and promoting the shaming of their targets. One particularly disturbing form of shame is to assert that the target is aligning with toxic masculinity/patriarchy. It is a term that is loosely thrown around these days, but I am not sure if the implications of such an accusation are completely understood. It fills me with a foreboding sense of loss because it often happens between women. Women, especially healers, have been the targets of hate and abuse throughout history at the hands of religious leaders, governing bodies, and the patriarchy. It’s hard to reconcile how those who stand for female empowerment and rage against this history, also engage in it in a purposeful manner toward other women on these social platforms. I think everyone could benefit from a little psychoeducation, and a course in social and cultural competency to better understand how their shadowy behavior impacts the collective consciousness of our society. Until then, I’ll keep my head turned toward the light.

 

 

Fitness - Inside and Out, Illness and Conditions, Uncategorized

The Healing Decade

I started setting my intentions for 2018 last weekend.  Today’s blizzard and frigid conditions have made it possible to do a whole lot of reflecting on the events of years past, my growth from them and what obstacles still exist. I discovered something very interesting. The major shifts of my life have come in ten year bundles buffered by life altering events on either end. Rather than posting a year in review, I’m choosing to do more of a life in review starting with the significant event that set in motion all the things that have led me to where I am today.

The trauma decade (11-21 yrs)

At age eleven I had a serious car accident. My injuries confined me to a wheelchair and then required over a year of intense and painful PT to get me back on my feet, literally. All the activities that I engaged in prior to this accident which made me feel good within my body were now a source of intense fear and anxiety. I had serious psychological injuries that were never addressed. My self concept and my sense of independence were deeply affected by this accident. Complicating matters worse was a strict, authoritarian upbringing where verbal and corporal punishment were the status quo for relating to children and the wonderful world of puberty, where changes occurred outside of my control. I was a wounded child in a woman’s body with a mountain of responsibility and guilt placed on me for pretty much everything that was going wrong. The depression, post traumatic stress, anxiety and negative self concept all set the stage for my budding eating disorder, which manifested into full blown Anorexia at age 21.

The transformation decade (21-31 yrs)

Anorexia wreaked havoc on my body and mind in the first part of this decade, but my inner resilience helped me to pursue my childhood dream of singing and performing. Yes, I definitely had a very warped end goal when it came to music making. I needed heaps of external validation to feel “okay” with myself, so any drunk heckling from an audience member would upset me to the point where I couldn’t finish a song. I also modeled because I needed that attention to reassure myself that I was desirable and lovable. Of course, those two things do not go hand in hand. When I sought treatment, the onion began to unfold. I was forced to face a lot of vulnerability and insecurity. It was terrifying. I didn’t have any coping skills. My eating disorder and all this hyper-focus on my appearance and sexuality were the ways I dealt or didn’t with my issues. I turned the dial way down on all of that. I started to examine the reasons behind a lot of the things I was doing. I wasn’t ready to quit it all cold turkey, but a transformation was occurring. During this time, I entered into a serious six year relationship with a man whose personality pushed buttons of change for me. Coinciding with this was my Saturn Return. Even if you’re not a believer of astrology, many of us undergo a major reevaluation of priorities and cognitive growth between the ages of 28-31. This is proven by behavioral neuroscience. At age 31, I was successfully in remission from Anorexia and newly licensed in my chosen profession of massage therapy. I felt optimistic, but I had only cracked the surface. The floodgates were about to spew.

The healing decade (31 yrs and counting)

When a train is approaching a station you feel it initially as a tiny flutter of air that gets progressively stronger until it practically knocks you over when the thing emerges from the tunnel. That’s exactly how this decade has been thus far. At age 31, something shifted for me – the flutter of air. My sister gave birth to her first child and holding him triggered a desire for family that overwhelmed me. Everything that I felt comfortable and complacent with needed to go and believe me, it WENT. The great purge gained momentum as the years progressed. This last year and a half, I experienced a mass exit of relationships that no longer served me and the pulling out of the many energetic hooks placed into me by the people I had chosen to give my time and my heart to. Despite all the loss and the ache I feel in many parts of my being, I have never felt lighter and more myself. It’s amazing how clear your intuition and wisdom become when you aren’t burdened by other people’s stuff. My graduate program has given me a lot of perspective on how I perpetuated and maintained some of the situations that plagued me in the first half of this decade. My inner circle consists of some really incredible, intelligent and supportive people who are doing the work on their end and who I admire greatly. The best advice I got this year came from an article a “soul” friend shared with me about reclaiming my power. I get to control who gets access to me. I can and will heal through all this loss and painful adjustment because I have reclaimed that energy for myself. I am surrounded by the best cheerleaders. These people show up. They reciprocate. They care. One of my intentions for this year is to continue to allow them to take care of me, even when I don’t always know how to ask. This vulnerability is a strength that will set the stage for the type of partnership I want for life; the pivotal event I know is coming.

In the meantime, I will keep my gaze on “the bandaged place” as the Sufi poet Rumi so eloquently put it because through that wounded place “the light” will enter me. Amen.