John Legend’s “All Of Me” is a melodious appraisal of all the reasons why he is so head over heels in love with his woman, including her “perfect imperfections”. It’s a beautiful line that has gotten me thinking about the parts of ourselves we fear being rejected over and the traits we see in others as unacceptable or non-negotiable. Let’s explore…
Last night I watched thisdocumentary made by a man who was worried that his penis size would prevent him from finding a partner in life. After a very public humiliation, he set out on a journey that took him to several corners of the world in search of ways to augment his slightly lower than average penis. After trying some pretty shocking methods, he finally threw in the towel realizing that the issue was his own self esteem. The more he projected his inadequacy, the less likely someone would want to date him. So, at films end, he bravely asked a girl he had met during shooting out on a date and she bluntly told him, “There’s more to you than just THAT (i.e. his penis)…”
Even the most secure individual probably has some physical or personality driven feature that could subject them to rejection. This follows what I mentioned earlier about non-negotiable traits. The filmmaker’s girlfriend turned down his proposal because she felt his penis size was a non-negotiable. I wonder how she would have felt if it was the other way around and someone told her the size of chest was the deal breaker. Each of us is entitled to have our mental check list for a partner, but sometimes those supposed imperfections can be perfect if we just embrace them full on.
There was a period in my recovery from an Anorexia where the man I was dating found it important to point out how much weight I was gaining and specifically, what parts of my body were now unattractive to him. Some of this he said to my face with a “you better do something about that or it’s a wrap.” Other commentary was saved for mutual friends and coworkers. When we broke up, he did something any woman would be mortified to learn. He publicly posted that I was a “fat bitch.” Shortly thereafter, another man became interested in me, but my brain was so wrapped up in being too big that I completely rejected him. It must have been exhausting to be around me at the time because the whole thing made me such an insecure pile of flesh. One of my closest male friends had once told me he broke it off with a wonderful, gorgeous girl because she was tremendously insecure about her body. Her constant need for affirmation just drained him. His next girlfriend was much plainer looking than the previous, but her confidence was infectious. He couldn’t get enough of her. (Note to selves, ladies!!!)
To paraphrase Dan Savage’s comments in the film, each one of us has to know what we bring to the table and work that to our advantage. However difficult you may find it, loving all of you first will allow someone else to love all of you right back. Thank you for putting it so well, Mr. Legend!
One out of every three clients I encountered this past month was in the midst of a break up. Although February is nationally recognized as a time to celebrate love, thanks in part to the mass market holiday that Valentine’s has become, it seems that more and more people choose to end their relationships during this time. Break ups apply to all kinds of human connections like friendships, romantic partners, marriages or family members and illicit the same range of emotions one would encounter within the grieving process. Rather than swimming in the vortex of loss alone, these clients sought out massage as comfort. How is it that heartbreak “hurts” so much? The physical reaction to emotional loss can be explained through medical science.
When emotional stress is experienced, especially loss, our brains signal the release of stress hormones from the adrenal glands and certain proteins that constrict blood flow causing part of the heart to become temporarily enlarged and incapable of pumping well. The rest of the heart has to compensate by contracting more forcefully. The pain felt in one’s chest resembles that of a heart attack; however without the permanent damage associated with it. The heart is described as being temporarily stunned or rendered “helpless” which is an interesting choice of words given the sufferer’s mental state. This condition is known medically as stress cardiomyopathy (formerly takotsubo cardiomyopathy) but many doctors refer to it as Broken Heart Syndrome.
Pain is the brain’s primal way of responding to trouble. That trouble can be caused by stimuli both inside and outside of the physical body. Sensory receptors known as nociceptors register these stimuli and in milliseconds return the signal of pain. When we are in a state of emotional distress, the brain’s blood supply is altered, sending more blood to the area responsible for regulating physical pain. This excess flow has been found in people with depression making them more peaked to pain. The emotions felt during a break up enact this physiological response, registering an ache or hollow feeling often felt within the organs of our core; not just in the heart. The state of pain also kicks in the sympathetic nervous system to respond, known as our state of “fight or flight.” The hormones and proteins released inhibit appetite which can lead to anorexic behavior, keep us over alert which translates into insomnia or disrupted sleeping patterns, constricts blood vessels causing headaches, stops digestive juices from being released causing tummy troubles and for some, their overabundance can lead to panic attacks and adrenal fatigue.
One of the main things massage can do is kick into gear the parasympathetic (i.e. “rest and digest”) response. This is why it is so effective in stress management. Massage counters a lot of the physiological affects of a broken heart by switching off the sympathetic release of hormones and proteins related to emotional stress. In addition, it counters any muscular and postural imbalances that could develop from protective patterns of movement or the general feeling of wanting to cocoon into oneself. It also prevents the isolation and loneliness that creeps in after the shock, denial, guilt, anger and bargaining stages of the grieving process pass because it allows for touch from another that is warm, therapeutic and outside of any emotional attachment or expectation. It is a safe place to let go of emotions and come back into the body. Some of us put names on slips of paper in the freezer, bury all the things ever given as gifts, move out of the apartment whose walls are saturated with the memory of YOU and THEM, cut or dye hair in all kinds of ways to deal with a break up. But giving yourself the love you once had for another person, which in the case of my clients was in the form of therapeutic massage, will have the most beneficial overall effect for all parties involved. Acceptance is a whole lot easier when you don’t have to HURT as much.