Instabullies – The Social Evolution of Bullying

I recently saw a news program from the UK about “Dancing Man” that drew attention to cyber-bullying. This man was an overweight, average guy dancing in a club who was photographed and heckled by a group of people (mixed gender) via social media. There is a before picture of him happily dancing and an after photo, where he realized what the group has done and looks ashamed. A group of women in the States caught site of this post and banded together to undo the damage, by hosting a dance party for “Dancing Man.” At the end of the day, the cyber-bullies gave him the opportunity to meet a ton of famous and beautiful women in parties all over the trendiest clubs of Los Angeles; something I doubt they do on a regular basis. The “Dancing Man” is a rare exception to the norm. Most people who are victims of this type of bullying do not have the world come to their rescue. Some may not even be aware that they have been bullied. I’m coining the term “instabullies” as the popular social media site Instagram has become a playground for both insidious and overt bullying. And don’t think for a second that your bullies are just preteens and young adults. The age range creeps well into middle adulthood.

The bullies’ post that body shamed “Dancing Man”

Most of us have an image of what a bully is in mind, either from the media or our own elementary through high school experiences. Outside of getting one’s ass kicked, there are other forms of bullying. Relational aggression is the worst kind of bullying. It’s below the belt, hits you where you are weakest and can have far reaching psychological repercussions. Its hallmark is social manipulation achieved with a number of tactics that include group exclusion, spreading rumors, public embarrassment, breaking confidences, backstabbing and getting others to dislike another person. Popularity (i.e. sociometric status) is a huge determining factor in bullying. Research indicates that relational aggression is more effective for maintaining the popularity status of a group among other groups, as well specific relationship and status dynamics inside a group. Now this seems to apply to the younger, school age population, but bare in mind that group membership and status present themselves at all stages in life. Take, for example, the workplace. Its social organization can mirror high school quite a bit – cliques form of so called popular people who go to happy hours, events and other activities together and only together. The rest of the population either wants to join them, despises them and could care less about their exclusiveness or both despises and wants to join them. It relates back to self esteem – the higher it is, the less sociometric status factors into feelings of one’s worth. Relational aggression is sometimes referred to as the Mean Girls Phenomenon borrowing from the film title that put this form of bullying on the map for millennials. While the mention of Girls may make it seem that it is gender specific, both men and women engage in this form of aggression as we saw with “Dancing Man.” However, it is true that women have a tendency toward the use of relational over physical aggression.

There are many reasons for the above; some obvious and some not. The obvious ones are jealousy, feelings of insecurity and need for control/power. The not so obvious – boredom and social modeling. The former just blows my mind considering how many other activities one could “busy” themselves with over ridiculing others. The latter I have been witness to and fully agree. Just the other day I watched a grown adult take a photo of a morbidly obese woman sitting across from her on the subway and then tell her daughter how she was going to do something funny. Her furious typing indicated to me she was either posting the image with commentary somewhere or sending it via text/chat to her contact(s). That little girl observing this behavior is absolutely likely to copy it if major interventions in school or in her community do not intercede to prevent the cycle from continuing. Recall what I noted earlier about the age range for cyber bullying starting at preteen all the way into middle age – that’s at least two if not three generations all engaging in the same social offense. What does that say about the future of our society?

I often think about how bullying evolved in our human history. When did it become necessary to intimidate and abuse others through physical and psychological means? According to an article on the origins of bullying in Scientific America, it seems to be a universal feature in human society; “…a species-typical human behavior that has little to do with the cultures people live in. Bullying, it seems is part of our normal behavioral repertoire, it is part of the human condition.” (Sherrow) Preliminary research indicates that universal behaviors often have deep evolutionary origins, even stemming from our previous human ancestors – primates. Behavioral studies of animals, including primates, indicate that they engage in bullying. This behavioral pattern was assessed by determining if the behavior was meant to intimidate another. Frequent use of intimidation and aggression to manipulate the behaviors of others and to acquire resources was seen in the female baboon population. In chimps, the author noted that his studies of adolescent males strongly indicated a pattern of bullying as the smaller adolescent chimp attempted to enter the adult male hierarchy. So, essentially we’ve been tearing each other down before we evolved into upright Homo Sapiens, but for a good reason – survival.

Female baboon flipping her lip as a display of aggression…with a little one looking on

The primordial behavior we inherited from our primate cousins has changed dramatically thanks to natural selection. It was modified by our ability to mentalize i.e. our awareness of ourselves and others’ mental states that guide our actions. If you better understand the desires and feelings of others, you have a more effective gateway into manipulating them. Think about any country with a history of coercion and conformity. Bullying is a daily occurrence to maintain social order and control. It’s not the culture that created the bullying. Instead it supports and promotes the use of this behavior pattern. Indeed, bullying can be employed in many different ways and for a variety of outcomes across societies, ages and genders. And with technology making it so much easier to engage in this behavior, bullying could evolve even further into a pastime no different than Candy Crush. Yes, it’s in our DNA; however, it doesn’t have to become our default. A little empathy goes a long way. I’m cautiously optimistic…cautiously.

 

MORE INFORMATION:

US Department of Health & Human Services:

http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/

Sources:

Bullying and social identity: The effects of group norms and distinctiveness threat on attitudes towards bullying. British Journal of Developmental Psychology (2004)

Sherrow, Hogan “The Origins of Bullying” Scientific America December 15, 2011

 

 

Are You Aware of This Silent killer?

The year I entered high school, the New York Board of Education delayed our first day of school for two weeks in order to remove “harmful” asbestos. I recall the news coming as more of an extension to summer vacation than a health measure. I hadn’t a clue what the stuff was or why it was harmful; only that it was hidden from view and needed to be removed carefully. Fast forward to 9/11, when the collapse of the towers sent thousands of pounds of iridescent dust into the sky blanketing all of lower Manhattan for months. The pulverized building materials contained asbestos, amongst other things, and everyone who worked at Ground Zero inhaled the largest dose of it. Within 10 years, we started seeing many first responders come down with all sorts of respiratory illnesses, among which was a rare form of cancer called Mesothelioma. Victims and their families have been fighting with Insurance companies and government health agencies ever since to acknowledge that the cancer was directly caused by all those hours exposed to asbestos dust. The sad fact is they shouldn’t have to. All one has to do is take a look back in history to the early part of the 20th century to know what a “silent killer” this material was and still is.

Asbestos fibers poking out of this dry wall

 

Asbestos is a naturally occurring mineral that has been mined for over 4000 years. In ancient times, it was used to strengthen cooking pots and for creating fire retardant cloth. By the time of the Industrial Revolution, it was only being used in cloth manufacture. However, this soon changed when its key properties of fire proofing and tensile strength helped builders solve the problem of insulating homes on the cheap in densely populated cities like London. Its affordability eventually made it the go to material for many items related to the home. As noted in this article from the Guardian, “The use of asbestos became increasingly widespread towards the end of the 19th century, when its diverse applications included fire retardant coatings, concrete, bricks, pipes and fireplace cement, heat, fire, and acid resistant gaskets, pipe insulation, ceiling insulation, fireproof drywall, flooring, roofing, lawn furniture, and drywall joint compound.” It’s literally in everything! It makes you wonder how many homes built in the US still contain asbestos. Per the U.S. Product Safety Commission site, it’s noted that homes built between 1930 and 1950 may contain asbestos in their insulation. It also adds that in older homes (I’ll take a gander and say homes built in the early 1900’s) the pipes may be coated with asbestos or lined with asbestos blanket. Either way you look at it, asbestos is everywhere, but it only poses a threat if you disturb it.

There is written evidence even from Roman times that asbestos had detrimental affects on the body. In the early 1900’s there were a large number of respiratory issues and early deaths of people who worked with the material in mining towns. Also factored into this death toll were the wives and family members of the workers, presumably due to the fact that they laundered the uniforms caked in asbestos dust. When autopsies were done, the lungs of these people showed lesions and scar tissue created by the asbestos fibers they inhaled. These fibers are comprised of microscopic angular crystals that get into the respiratory tract and literally cut up lung tissue. The resulting scarring or fibrosis and constant irritation to the lung tissue led to a chronic respiratory condition coined asbestosis as well as the development of Mesothelioma. Many investigations were conducted in the early 1900’s into the hazards of asbestos, but this did nothing to curb its mining and use. It wasn’t until the 1930’s that government legislation was set up to regulate its industry; first in the UK and then the US. Better ventilation was called for as well as acknowledging asbestosis as an occupational disease. This was also when mesothelioma was first noted in medical text (c.1931)

With all this evidence, it really confounds me that insurance companies and the government agencies responsible for allocating funding to victims of 9/11 are giving claimants such a hard time. It also confounds me why the US has not fully banned the use of asbestos, unlike Australia and the UK. According to the EPA’s website, asbestos use is not banned in the manufacture, importation, processing and distribution in commerce of the following products:

  • Cement corrugated sheet
  • Cement flat sheet
  • Clothing
  • Pipeline wrap
  • Roofing felt
  • Vinyl floor tile
  • Cement shingle
  • Millboard
  • Cement pipe
  • Automatic transmission components
  • Clutch facings
  • Friction materials
  • Disk brake pads
  • Drum brake linings
  • Brake blocks
  • Gaskets
  • Non-roofing coatings
  • Roof coatings

Um, wow.

This past week of April 1-7th was Asbestos Awareness Week. If you never knew what the stuff was before reading the above, I hope you can understand just what a danger it poses to our environment and obviously, to our health. It’s a bit of a morbid addendum, but asbestos related illnesses, like Mesothelioma, take sometimes decades to show up. As a result, there will be many more deaths related to the dust inhaled after the Towers collapsed in the years to come. These people shouldn’t have to fight for the care they clearly deserve. For more information, see the websites noted below. Then go outside and take a deep breath for every person who can’t do so thanks to asbestos.

 

Additional Information and Sources:

The Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance:  http://www.mesothelioma.com/asbestos-cancer/what-is-asbestos.htm

The U.S. Department of Environmental Protection: http://www2.epa.gov/asbestos/us-federal-bans-asbestos

Columbia University Research: http://www.cumc.columbia.edu/dept/medicine/mesothelioma/mesothel.html

 

Another In-stall-ment From Your Bathroom Sherpa

Never ignore your pelvic floor! An informative post from my sister in health, wellness and the toilet 🙂

More than Meer

Of course the internet has photos for this occasion.If you’re reading this post, I’m willing to bet that you were potty-trained a while back, and that no one’s been in the stall with you for at least a few years. And I’m also fairly certain that by now you’re confident in your ability to empty your bladder and bowels. But chances are… you’re getting it wrong. Yes, my friends, there is a way to get it wrong, and this is about more than which way to wipe. So let’s get anatomical on your nether bits.

Think of your bladder as a balloon and your urethra (where the pee comes out) as the stem of the balloon. You also have two urethral sphincters and pelvic floor muscles that can pinch the urethra closed so your urine doesn’t come out. The simplest way to explain it is this: when your bladder starts to fill with urine, the muscular tissue surrounding it (called…

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Show them what you’re worth

A familiar image to New Yorkers – the fearless, hard working, mostly immigrant lot that helped build up the city skyline we are famous for…

 

In my family, your sense of worth comes from how hard you work. It doesn’t matter if there is little to no material pay off for this work. Your blood, sweat and tears are enough of a status symbol to make the neighbors unable to call you the worst of insults – useless! This work ethic has been passed down through four traceable generations. It’s very much alive in me and that air of purpose shows society that I’m grabbing life by its horns or its balls, depending on the situation. No family lore ever spoke of burnout, though.

I’ve mentioned this topic in another post “The Magic Number” where I discussed how too many massages with little self care leads to the need to set a professional limit in order to avoid burnout. Professional burnout is common in any career that involves caring for others. Our nurturing energy can literally be sucked dry if we don’t set up the proper boundaries and limits on “selflessness.” In extreme cases, injury and illness befall the individual who is worn thin. More common features of burnout are irritability, resentment toward those you are giving care to, impatience and clock watching. This last term is one the awful markers of burnout in massage. This is when a therapist counts down the minutes til the massage they are performing is over. I admit there have been a handful of massages where I dug deep in my psyche to get through it because every minute felt like an hour; however if I felt like that with every client and therapeutic situation, I would be in trouble.

The other evening, I chatted with two colleagues who have been licensed Massage Therapists now for almost a decade. We were discussing our “worth” within the corporate spa setting and one of them made a telling exclamation. Every three years, she is garnering new skills that she brings to the table outside of her hands on experience and spending hundreds if not thousands of dollars to acquire these skills and keep her license current. She lamented with an ironic laugh how she is getting better in every sense of the word, but has less to show for it each year. In fact, her commission rate straight out of school was 7% higher than it is currently at the ten year mark.

Her lament peaked my curiosity as to what salaries/commissions are like in other corporate owned spa settings. I wanted a comparison. Perhaps it was only this particular spa chain that so profoundly undercut its “talent.” What I learned was pretty disheartening. Granted, my research reflected the New York market; however, we have one of the most arduous and strictest licensing processes in all the country. If anyone deserves a proper salary for their training, it’s New York State licensed massage therapists. So, does the corporate spa setting undervalue therapists? YES!!!

The caregiver in need of care…

 

Before faces lengthen and spirits become disillusioned, it’s important to understand that there are many other options and specializations for a massage therapist. Your worth isn’t determined by one particular spa chain or corporate pay structure. In fact, you can set a rate per massage for your private practice that reflects the skills, continuing education and experience you have amassed. Also, many medical settings, like chiropractic, physical therapy and rehabilitation have a need for capable, experienced therapists to support their patients’ treatments. These places will pay sometimes fixed salaries and sometimes per documented massage hour regardless of how many patients you see in a day. The reality that newly minted and seasoned veteran massage therapist have to come to terms with is that you won’t be able to put all your eggs in one basket. Having two or three part time positions in addition to private clientele may be the only way to make a decent living and this reality could/can lead to burnout. Perhaps then this profession is something you can’t do for the long haul. This is what I have started to realize. This is why I made the decision to return to school and pursue a parallel, but different therapeutic career. Perhaps my colleague should do the same. Harkening back to my family’s legacy, I find that there isn’t any sense in showing the world how much of a hard worker I am when I may end up breaking both my back and my spirit in my effort. It’s time to rewrite the story and choose the gentler path for once; one that eventually will pay off and show the most important person of all, MYSELF, what I’m worth!

 

 

My Social Clock is Ticking

Depending on the society you live in and/or culture you identify in, there are certain expectations of accomplishment by the milestone ages of young adulthood. Much like the tell tale biological clock, the social clock ticks away throughout the lifespan signaling you to get your shit together with the rest of your age group. Career establishment, finding a life partner, starting a family, buying a home and so forth are markers set in a chronological order determined by society (hence it being a social clock). The biggest enforcers of this clock are within families i.e. your parents. They will assess you as you progress through young adulthood and give verbal reminders of where you “should” be by the age you are. They make fun comparisons to other people in your age group, usually friends and relatives who have accomplished what you have not. Society doesn’t do you any favors either, as the media drills what is appropriate for your chronological section of the population. Suddenly, the guy in the Lowes commercial kind of looks like you, as he sands down his deck and gets ready to grill some food for his family. The 20 something year old actress with her swollen baby bump stands next to the mid 30’s journalist with a smaller bump and they compare pregnancy symptoms and the helpfulness of their respective partners. You get the picture.

What happens when you haven’t satisfied all the “shoulds” for the age that you are? This is an existential exploration that some are perfectly okay with (i.e. they don’t care) and others derive extreme distress from. Here is where it gets personal.

I spent the bulk of my 20s in suspended animation. I don’t want to say it was time wasted; however, my eating disorder coupled with maladaptive cognitive distortions kept me from really establishing myself in the world as a career person, continuing my education or having a healthy romantic relationship. It wasn’t until my 30th year that I entered “the game.” I recovered, met and entered into what became a long term cohabitative relationship and went back to school to establish a more stable career. Now 35, I am at another transition point. The career is established, but my mind and body yearn for something more. I decided to go back to school again to make that happen. The relationship is no longer and the biological yearnings have kicked up their volume three-fold. I’m the healthiest physically I have ever been in my life, but emotionally I feel like I am in what psychologist Erikson described as the conflict of young adulthood – intimacy vs. isolation. His theory notes that a secure identity makes intimacy possible because you will be able to open your own self up to a permanent commitment to a partner, share in their interests and values as well as be faithful and develop love. If intimacy isn’t achieved, then isolation is the result, which for those who rejected intimacy or had insecure identity produces a sense of self-absorption or loneliness at the other extreme. You’re essentially in a state of searching for the ONE…beginning with YOU!

All those self-help books and talk shows do have a point when they stress being in a relationship with and loving yourself first before anyone else can love you. Attraction and passion come a lot more easily than compassion and love. American society is very attraction and passion driven. The latter two qualities are only possible if you have a secure sense of yourself. Starting from childhood, how your parents raised you will determine what sense of self you develop by early adulthood. Did they make you feel warm, supported and safe? Or were they nurturing in practical ways, but not very emotionally demonstrative of their love? Were they absentee due to work or their own life struggles, making you feel like you were last on the priority list? Although many people can still have a healthy self concept in some pretty gnarly childhood circumstances, the warm, supportive parenting style i.e. authoritative is going to set you up for success in the intimacy department.

Your parents might play a huge part in setting you up for success or failure, but taking responsibility for your own actions, thoughts and feeling is also important. Doing the work to build a secure sense of yourself. In exploring some of my existential issues, I find myself wishing I belonged in the “I don’t care” group who continue along their life path paying no mind at all to the social clock. The thing is, they have created their own social clock or as the English expression goes “they walk to the beat of their own drum.” Live for you; not for others’ expectations. I find that I haven’t been doing enough of the former and I’m not alone. And as if we need any more motivation, know that the buildup of stress hormones in the blood at this early age can cause your organs and body systems to fail sooner by the time you make it to a ripe old age. So, take a deep breath, let go of the distress and open your heart to loving you and creating a time line of goals that resonate with your needs and desires, separate from family, culture or society. The time is now…

 

 

What’s my age again?

How old would you be, if you didn’t know how old you were?

There are some days where I feel about 100 years old. My body moves like it’s made of lead and all my senses are dulled. Thank god those days are few and far between. Most of the time, I marvel at the amount of physical work I am capable of; something my unhealthy 25 year old self would have fallen over just thinking about. There is  a lot to be said about the statement, “You’re as old as you feel” which ties into the question that opened this post. With proper exercise, nutrition and stress reduction and/or mediation coupled with good genetics, a person can certainly look and act a lot younger than their chronological age. Our functional age is based on how capable we are to carry out physical tasks in daily life and also encompasses psychological, environmental and physiological factors. This is especially important amongst the elderly population, where their ability to function at a younger level helps maintain their vitality.

How old do you think she is?

Behold, Edna, a woman approaching 100 years old, who happily works with her trainers at the gym doing a medley of exercises in her adorable leopard print leggings. Energy, strength and personality exude from her tiny frame. Her mantra? “Don’t let yourself get weak.” We could all grab some inspiration from her, as excerpted below from a Women’s Health Article published in March 2014.

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/97-year-old-woman-doing-squats

Edna’s positive and motivated mental state counters the physiological reality of her age and its limitations. As we age, we lose muscle mass (sarcopoenia), bone density (osteopoenia) and collagen, which weakens our connective tissues. It takes more effort to do a lot of the activities of daily living in addition to the fun stuff like working out, chasing your grand-kids or climbing a trail.  The psychophysiological relationship is fascinating to me because it essentially shows that a good attitude, social interaction and familial/community support can override a lot of what would limit you physiologically. It can also do the opposite when the above three things are non-existent. Even as a young person, a negative attitude (I can’t do that) mixed with social isolation (Leave me alone) and no sense of community around you (I have no friends) can have drastic affects on how you function. Ask that person how old they feel and the answer probably will not match their chronological age; nor will it be for the better.

How old does this toddler feel if she’s conked out while standing?

So, take a moment to do a little metal inventory and ask yourself the opening question. What are the factors that made you answer the way you did? Are you doing too much? Too little? Have you not seen a friend or family member in a while because of a hectic schedule? Are you surrounded by energy vampires? This self searching will allow you to pinpoint what needs to change in this moment in order to feel more like the number you deserve to be. Life is already too short as it is. Make every year count!

Light Therapy: Baking the pain away

Let the sun’s rays bake my pain away…

I am FINALLY on vacation after a long, hard year of doing what a New Yorker does best – hustling! Gratuitous amounts of massage meant that business has been very good, but inevitably that overwork had its downside a.k.a tendonitis. My workouts helped me push through and past my ¨magic number¨ of massages per day, but with all that repetative movement it was inevitable that I would develop an overuse injury. Nevertheless, in the weeks that led up to my Mediterranean vacay, I had been laying out in the sun every morning before work to both settle my mind and develop a ¨starter¨ tan. The added bonus was the heat of the sun hitting directly onto my upper back and shoulders really dissipated a lot of the pain and tension I felt from the previous day´s physical demands. Unbeknownst to me this heliotherapy I was giving myself is actually a therapeutic technique dating back to antiquity. A number of ancient cultures had an idea of the healing properties of light. Hippocrates, the father of modern medicine, prescribed sitting in the sun to heal a variety of illnesses. Herodotus, the ancient Greek historian, preached that the sun could help heal nerves and muscles. Many ancient Greeks built roofless buildings for the purpose of exposing themselves to the sun´s rays. Outside of ancient Greece, the Egyptians took it a step further and practiced bathing themselves in various colored light to cure diseases. Thousands of miles away in India, medical texts dating back to 1,500 BC also note the healing properties of light for skin disorders. Go even further to China and their medical texts from over 2000 years ago detail a range of color and light therapies for skin and mental illness.

A woman receiving light from a modern light therapy i.e. phototherapy box

So, seeing that the ancients had an inkling of what the sun could do for one´s health, modern medicine didn´t get the memo until the early 19th century, where Niels Ryberg Finsen, a Danish doctor of Icelandic decent, studied the medicinal affects of light rays. His impetus was the severe metabolic disease he suffered from whose symptoms  he experimented with sunbathing to relieve. He died a year after winning the Nobel for a phototherapeutic device he created that simulated sun light to treat several skin conditions. Thirty years later, scientists realized a lack of Vitamin D produced in the body by exposure to sunlight, was the main cause of a disease known as ¨Rickets¨ which leads to the weakening and softening of bones. Twenty years after that, researchers in Hungary used soft laser light to relieve arthritis pain. In later years, NASA scientists did a plethora of research on the manner that LED light affects plant biology in an effort to understand how to grow plants in space. What they found was a very small spectrum of light provided most of the energy needed to grow plants. From this research, more strides were made in the understanding of the healing properties of light within animal and human cells. Currently, two forms of phototherapy exist; Non targeted light therapy that comes from a box, like in the image of the woman above and targeted light therapy, which is administered by a laser. These forms are used with much success in the treatment of such skin disorders as psoriasis, non-severe acne, vitiligo, eczema, atopic dermatitis, polymorphous light eruption and lichen planus. They have also been effective at treating mood and sleep disorders like SAD (seasonal affective disorder), non seasonal depression and circadian rhythm disorders like delayed sleep phase disorder. Further medical research is being done with light therapy to address accelerated wound healing and pain management, which brings me back to my tendonitis. My experimentation with light therapy from its natural source (the sun) elicited the following note. On the days that I did not lay out because weather did not permit me to, I found that the pain and weakness in my anterior shoulder and neck would become mildly worse and last the full work day. The days that I did get about 45 mins of sun exposure, it felt more like a dull ache and only after doing 6 hours of massage at the end of my day. It is clear to me that the sun does heal. In the two weeks I will be bathing in its Mediterranean glory, my hope is to eradicate most of the pain and heal those weary tendons. I am looking forward to the day when the medical community finally approves its use for pain management. We need more natural and ancient approved manners to heal our bodies and minds.